Short Story

 

     Dragan Glavasic

HARVESTING THE PRIMORDIAL ENERGY

 

 

 

In Teutonic mythology[1], Yggdrasil is the overwhelming cosmic ash tree.  It is the most awesome and remarkable ancient structure that contains and supports the entire universe… The supreme deity Odin and his two divine brothers (Vili and Ve) made a man out of the ash tree and they used the inferior elm tree to make a woman, as to be his companion, his subservient, his external reproductive organ.

 

It was a typical Wednesday afternoon, except for the fact that the three suburban housewives were not inside their assigned place of labor.  They were not even shopping at their favorite department store, which was their preferred activity whenever they gathered some spare time.  Instead they were at a local mall, sitting and drinking at a small coffee shop; doing their second favorite activity aside from shopping, and that is gossiping.  However, in the midst of a more exquisite bit of information transaction concerning the love life of various individuals of interest to those participating parties: one of them, Mrs. Collins, realized that the excessive liquid intake has taken its toll and was demanding an urgent response on her part.  Only problem was rather compounded by the fact that it all happened at the worst possible moment, when Cindy Roberts was telling about one rather relentless man that impregnated several high school girls thus had an unpleasant task of choosing and marrying one of them… Which was the most significant information that those women, or any females for that matter, could ever come across and mentally process.

   However, realizing the immense urgency of the situation, at the very last instant, Mrs. Collins rushed toward the lady’s room and by the time she arrived there it was too late: there was a rather visible patch or a wet spot on her dress and her pantyhose were terribly soiled too.  So panic stricken, she walked inside the toilet, looked for the first available compartment and uncontrollably slammed the door, which turned out to be a tremendous mistake.  Then she opened her quite large handbag that contained amazing quantity of stuff, including a new dress, a pair of brand new stockings and matching emergency sandals.

   After successfully changing her stained clothes, Mrs. Collins took a deep breath and her face was becoming relaxed before it suddenly went excessively pale once again.  Her worst nightmare has been realized and the most horrifying feeling shock her entire body.  She has just become aware of the fact that she was unintentionally locked inside a small commode compartment with a lock that she has never seen before.  Even worse the instructions for using that new kind of lock were excessively complicated, with exactly five steps to follow, in given order, and no color illustrations to go along with it.  The instructions went like this:

 

1.    Use your thumb and adjoined index finger, only.

2.    Place them on the latch.

3.    Grab it firmly.

4.    Turn your wrist clockwise.

5.    Push the door gently till it opens.

 

But five points to follow were just too many (perhaps three too many); they were too darn complicated—especially number four was mind-boggling—therefore Mrs. Collins tried, in desperation, to call her friends or the security with her mobile phone.  Only the signal was too weak leaving the desperate woman to try something else.  So not knowing anything better she hit the lock with her cell phone hoping it would miraculously open [among females this particular approach is sometimes referred to as a hope for divine intervention].  But there was no result and all she managed to do was to break her mobile into a number of small bits.  It simply disintegrated to pieces.  Then her hand went deep inside her bag and pulled out one of those useless electronic devices called “stunners” that supposedly could be used to jolt a criminal or a potential rapist with a huge amount of high voltage that would render him unconscious.  [The think was never really used by her, but she liked to carry it and to show it to her friends as a morale buster: to imply that she was such a desirable crumpet that countless males had nothing better to do then to scheme on how to jump her.]  She placed it on the metal lock and used her left hand to grab firmly the other side of the lock [which lets repeat was metal, thus an excellent conductor of electricity].  Then she pushed the button which effectively released a huge amount of high voltage.  The next few minutes Mrs. Collins was shaking like crazy, until the battery got emptied.  Then she lost consciousness and just fell down on the floor hence unknowingly to her simply rolled underneath the door toward the freedom.

   After a period of induced sleep, Mrs. Collins woke up on the floor and not realizing what has happed to her or how she got there, she took her handbag and rejoined the two female friends outside… However, even though this little incident could be considered fairly common as far as the weaker sex is concerned and at the same time extremely unorthodox as far as the stronger gender goes; still regardless whether we take the female or male perspective on it: the fact remains that the bizarre adventure of Mrs. Collins has very little to do with the main subject of this story…

 

Some 140,000 totally primitive and excessively savage Mongols gathered to invade an island in the Pacific that was supposed to be defended by 90,000 equally primitive and savage samurais.  It all actually happened several centuries ago.  But when the simpleminded samurais heard of the immense invading force that was sufficient enough to overwhelm them, with ease: they collectively committed their traditional suicide (hara-kiri).  Meanwhile, the invading hordes gathered over 4,000 boats for the crossing of the sea.  On the other hand, they were one ignorant and smelly bunch that knew nothing of the art of shipbuilding—or the hygienic need for regular bathing—and their crude river crafts did not even have a keel, thus as they started sailing, they encountered rough sea, a stormy weather appeared and sunk all their boats and drowned all of them; while at the same time enabled them to be washed for the first and last time in their lives… However, that pathetic event from world history, although generally true, still had absolutely nothing to do with Mr. and Mrs. Olsen from South Dakota, who are after all our main subjects of interest.  Therefore, it would be rather pertinent to start this story all over again… And I can most definitely assure you that it will be done proper this time!

 

The Vikings were extraordinary shipbuilders, whose unique dragon ships, of course, had keel which enabled them to undertake long sea voyages, thus from the 8^th to the 11^th century they frequently sailed to England, in order to pillage, kill and rape!  Not surprisingly, great many of the British had Viking blood running through their veins.  One of them was none other than Heather Olsen.  Eric Olsen was not one of them, not by a long shot, because he was not even a Briton; as a matter of fact, he was a true blooded Dane [therefore 100% of Viking origins], who came to USA from Europe, twenty-five years ago.

There were lots of ways to describe Mr. Olsen.  For instance, he was an avid reader of extraordinary Norse sagas and a profound admirer of both Thor and Odin (the thunder god and the main god of all the Vikings) as well as of Perun (the main Slavic god who was also the mighty thunder god).  More importantly, it would be tremendously accurate to say that he was not a good or renowned scientist mainly because he was actually the very best one!  He was by far the greatest mind that has ever lived [not counting: Plato, Aristotle, Copernicus, Newton, Descartes, Hume, Lobachevsky, Nietzsche, and a score of others].  But among the living people (and all women, be they dead or alive): he was rather without an equal.  Nobody could even come close to him.

For over twenty years he has been residing in the same house outside Castle Rock, on a large piece of land and the farm which he bought one year before he got married with Heather.  The two of them had hard life at times, but it did not bother Eric that much for he had his family, which was large [four sons, three daughters, a loving wife and as a healthy bonus a series of young, attractive female lovers].  Most importantly, they were a compact little group and in spite of the meager income that came only from Mr. Olsen who worked as a professor of mechanical engineering at a local college: they still managed to get along and enjoy life as much as possible.

   However, Eric was not an ordinary person: he was a dreamer of monumental proportions.  As a matter of fact, his dream was a major one, indeed… He was one of those people who did not complain of the fact that gasoline is rather expensive but instead Eric Olsen decided to do something about it.  So, on his estate he had the entire basement of his house transformed into a laboratory.  Actually that particular event happened nineteen years ago.  He was thirty-two, at the time, and has just got married to his much younger wife Heather.

   Those were the hopeful years of his and everything appeared simpler and brighter back then.  But life had in store some problems as well, lurking just behind the corner.  On the other hand, one thing remained constant and that was his determination to solve the problem that he chose to be his guiding light, his grand contribution to mankind and his self-made monument: the mind-boggling discovery of a cheep, abundant and clean source of energy that would render all those oil companies redundant, thus dry out their source of power that was secretly fueling terrorism all over the world!  Yes sir, cheep and abundant energy was his goal and it was about to be realized, which would make him tremendously happy.  After all, he alone could save a great deal of money by converting his farm and car needs—actually all his energy demands—to this new source of power.  Best of all he genuinely knew how to do it…

   That particular day, when the remarkable solution suddenly appeared to him, Prof. Olsen was inside his office accepting students that needed consultations.  Only his thoughts were not really there.  All along, Eric’s mind was overwhelmed and consumed by one particular problem that needed to be solved but answer was nowhere to be found; when in the middle of explaining to one of the graduate students on the intrinsic differences between the characteristics of hydrogen and helium atoms, a sudden flash of insight rushed through his cerebral cortex.  A mental storm reverberated though his cranium.  His brain immediately went into overdrive.  It was like a lightning of unseen intensity and it rendered him dumbfounded.  Suddenly he has found the answer!  He appeared utterly shocked, actually he was struck by its simplicity thus he was convinced that it had to work out.

   “Excuse me,” was all that he could say to the young man in his office, before he grabbed his jacket and rushed out.

   “Would you like me to wait for your or to lock the office?” asked the confused student.

   But there was no answer.  Eric was running toward the elevator and down the basement where his car was parked.  In no time, he was on the highway driving toward the mountains and his secluded farm.

   The children were all back home, watching TV and eating chips or playing around the house when they saw father’s car pulling in.  Then they observed their father hastily entering the basement, as if he did not notice them, which in fact he didn’t.

   His eldest son, Kevin, decided to investigate just as a reverence and to find out if everything was alright.  He slowly opened the lab door and went downstairs.  He saw his father putting some gadgets together, as if Kevin was not even present.  Therefore everything appeared within the stretched boundaries of normality, as far as Kevin was concerned, thus realizing the intensity of his father’s utter concentration and commitment to the task, the teenager simply sneaked out.

   “What’s going on?” whispered Sandy, the youngest of his sisters.

   “I don’t know,” replied Kevin, “Dad did not even see me downstairs.  That’s rather strange.”

   “You mean, very strange even for your Father,” smiled Heather.

   Eventually they all stopped commenting Eric’s unorthodox behavior and in due time entire family went to sleep.  Only Mr. Olsen stayed working all night long and the next morning when his wife and children got up, they found him seated in his favorite armchair drinking a bottle of whisky that he has bought long time ago for one specific occasion: to celebrate his ultimate discovery of a lifetime, his incredible contribution to mankind, the grand solution, the realization of a noble dream!  They all gathered around him and watched him in a complete silence and with utter reverence.  All of them knew that something big happened while they were sleeping.

   Then one of his sons, John, could not take it any longer and he almost yelled, “Well!”

   But Eric did not even bother to notice them.  He just slowly drank his whisky, enjoying every sip, savoring the moment.

   Since there was no answer, Kevin reiterated the point more firmly, “Dad, did you do it?  Have you finally solved the problem?”

   Professor Eric Olsen, PhD simply raised his glass; his eyes were watery and smiling.

   “Yup!  I think we could throw away our electricity bill and forget the fuel expenses, from now on,” he said.

 

The machine was really remarkable, the most ingenious contraption ever built by a human.  It used cheep and abundant resources to release huge amounts of clean energy.  Only a few seconds of it working would produce enough electric power for the Olsen’s household to last them a year.  A few minutes of work could create enough energy to supply entire city; while two hours of continual working would induce energy needed to run all of USA for a month.  However, since the gadget was a brand new device, Eric has made a medium size energy collector to go with it, thus it would not be advisable for it to continually work any time period exciding two hours since it would become dangerously unstable thus result in a tremendous explosion that would level a large size city with its vicinity.

 

Heather Olsen immediately called several major radio and TV stations, all newspapers and a few leading universities.  She urged them to come at the Park Hotel in New York City where her husband was planning to have a news conference.  Meanwhile, Eric was already on his way to East Coast.  The flight did not take long and in no time he was in a cab driving downtown NYC toward the hotel.  He was so excited by what he has to reveal to the world that he did not even notice the filth and decay that has overwhelmed this, once upon a time, beautiful city.  When the taxi stopped in front of the hotel, it surprised him a little that no media was there waiting for him but it did not bother him.  They probably did not know the intrinsic significance of his discovery.

   Realizing that he still has a few hours in advance of the conference, Eric went upstairs and he laid on a bed.  He was rather excited for the moment has finally arrived, especially since he waited on it for so long.  Thus in order to calm and prepare himself, he turned on the TV set.  He flipped through the channels for he was not able to find anything decent enough to watch.  This futile search became substantially irritating at moments.  By far the most infuriating turned out to be so called “the History Channel” that tried to glamorize some pathetic “invasion” of Japan by Mongol hordes; as if anyone normal would care about those morbid events from world history…

This watching of TV has actually created a counter-effect, and just as he was getting ready to turn it off, he noticed something very much unusual.  It was a news conference of a sort and it alarmed him, for it was a major event: most of TV stations, even the networks were carrying it live.  The regular programs were abruptly interrupted and he immediately thought it might be his news conference, which would be so strange… Maybe they have somehow started without him…

   Then he saw the woman that was presented at the conference and hailed as the greatest scientist and inventor of our time.  Soon it became apparent that she did something extraordinary as far as media was concerned, something that no other woman has done before: she has found a brand new and original way to light up fire!

   Her method was somewhat complicated, thought, for it involved three rocks (two big ones and a small one) plus three long sticks and a bucked of excessively flammable substance.  The sticks were place in a tripod position with a big rock on the top of that structure and another big rock at the bottom under which was the bucked with flammable liquid.  Then one of the best baseball players was summoned to throw the small rock in such a way as to hit the big one that would fall down and crash into the other big rock that would create spark and ignite the fluid thus start fire.

   The idea was complicatedly simple—as some females might have said—and it should have worked in theory but it was never done in practice and it remained a large question mark whether that first female invention in all of history and beyond was workable enough to be implemented on a large scale commercial bases.  Nevertheless, some of the invited rich investors have already started scheming on the ways to force this idiotic invention to the gullible population.  However, as the moment of truth arrived, they all stopped breathing and stared at the pitcher while the reporters started whispering, to the audience worldwide, as to signify the immensity of the event.  Lights were dimmed till they dissipated while annoying spot light was introduced.

   Suddenly the blond inventor appeared saying, “Welcome, to one and all!  I’m so glad you could come in such tremendous numbers.  Thank you.  Let me just say that gosh, I’m so flabbergasted… Everyone was telling me: Angie, you are a riot!  You are a housewife and not an inventor; but you know what—they are all wrong!  Anyway, as you might know this is my very fist invention but don’t worry, there are more to come… There’s a lot more where this came from!”

She pointed to her forehead while everyone started applauding enthusiastically till there was undiluted euphoria, even a state of complete delirium could be used to describe the overall feelings of the crowd; then the light show was turned on, followed by a release of a huge number of balloons that descended from the ceiling.  As soon as the outburst of emotion subsided, Mrs. Angie Collins continued her speech.

“My next invention will be of a small little thing I call the wheel… Therefore, I would like to inform here present members of renowned Nobel Committee, who have arrived from Scandinavia just for this very demonstration, to watch out for that one, as well.  It will, no doubt, impress them great deal, also!”

In response, those sad remnants of Vikings just nodded their heads in a polite manner then being obviously motivated by her words, and incredible light show that has dazzled everyone present, they immediately called their headquarters.  For the moment it looked like as if the Nobel Prize winner in the field of physics was determined for that particular year.

Nonetheless, the housewife continued her narrative, “Anyway, concerning the invention you all came to see tonight… It is so strange, it came to me in my dream… It struck me like a ball of lightning, one day, when somehow—and believe me it must have been a divine intervention—I found myself mysteriously sleeping in the toilet of a very nice café at our local mall.  It’s a nice little place with artificial flowers and best of all they make great cheesecake.  Actually the extraordinary cheesecake… On the other hand, just don’t ask me how I got there… I mean how I ended up sleeping on the floor of that toilet… I have no idea how I got there or what I was doing there or for what reason anything of it happed at all: only it must have been something quite profound.  In any case, because of it I have this little gadget to show you.  So that’s it about the history, and now, I would like to ask a major league baseball player to take over this experiment.  Go ahead, Jack!”

   The annoying strobe light has replaced the spot light and was intensified as the pitcher took the spherical rock and swung it but since he had one of those rather bad days, or maybe due to that irritating strobe light which certainly did not help much, he missed the big rock and hit the news reporter for the Washington Post.  The missile landed right between the unfortunate woman’s eyes, splitting her head apart.  The second attempt was a bit better and it slammed straight into CBS producer before ricocheting to seriously injure his cameraman, as well.  The third throw was the best one yet and it leveled out the combined ABC and NBC radio and TV personnel… The seventeenth throw actually hit the intended target—perhaps due to the fact that not many of the media reporters were left and since the sixteenth attempt actually smashed into the strobe light and because fifteen visitors, including the two Noble scouts, were already pulverized—therefore the small rock bounced off the large rock which fell down and collided with the other rock but, luckily for them, it did not ignite the kerosene bucket, because if it did it would have most definitely exploded and they could have been killed.  Instead the bucked just shook violently in such a way that half of the substance which contained got spilled and as the Sky news reporter suddenly jumped from fear, her heavy handbag fell on the floor with such a force that it got opened and her stunner bounced out, turned itself on, and fell straight on the spilt liquid, igniting it in an instant, while the remaining fuel in the bucket immediately detonated thus effectively burning, to crisps, everyone in the room, like it was a napalm bomb!

   By then, Eric Olsen like millions of other duped viewers was totally bewildered, even shocked by that bizarre incident to such an extent he did not ever know where he was or what time it was.  However, in the very last moment he pulled himself together and somehow realized that his news conference was about to commence downstairs; so he took his remarkable gadget and rushed to the conference room.  He was still under the impression of that outrageous disaster that he has just witnessed on TV concerning that idiotic female that has reinvented fire and those bizarre creatures at the media that have decided to present it as a major intellectual achievement of our time…

   Mr. Olsen pushed the fifth floor button, where the conference room was located on, and as he stepped out he turned right and started walking down the hallway, passing lady’s room—from which a high-pitched voice made some panicky, unarticulated sounds but being in such a hurry, Eric did not feel like rescuing females from the toilet—he continued walking to the end of the hallway then turned left and eventually entered the designated room.  To his grand surprise and to the biggest jolt of his entire life, in the comparison to that other news conference, there was absolutely no one at his.  That deranged housewife has gathered every major network and all known TV stations from North America and beyond while on his conference nobody came!  Not a single reporter was present.

   Next two hours Prof. Eric Olsen, PhD just set there quietly, patiently waiting to see if anyone would stop by.  But it was an exercise in futility since no media was even remotely interested to find out what he did.  As a matter of fact, they were all busy reporting of a great scientific discovery that went haywire and killed so many, especially among journalists.  On the other hand, no media would come to his gathering no matter what he did, because that was one rather insane world: where truth, wisdom and genuine quality meant nothing thus where negative selection, corruption, personal connections, lies and deception, immorality, decadence and utter perversions meant everything.  The world were mundane, crooks and perverts dominated and were genius was out of place…

   “Perhaps if I was a female they might have come,” murmured Eric Olsen as the blood of Vikings rushed through his veins.

“Or if I am from Mongolia, they might have arrived,” said he and his Viking blood started to boil.

“Or if I was a lesbian from Mongolia, they most definitely would have came!” roared the Viking determined to spill some blood and it won’t be his.

   His hand was nervously tapping the device that he carried to the conference.  It was a small contraption but a powerful one, indeed.  Then he noticed that all the furniture in the room and the walls, as well, were made of the elm tree… It was, in his subconscious mind, the final insult… Then totally unexpected, a smile showed on his otherwise gloomy face as his fingers continued tapping the gadget.

“I think I should let them have it!” came out of his mouth.

He flipped up a leaver and pushed several buttons then rose up and went downstairs, leaving the device behind.  Eric Olsen walked by the reception desk and toward the exit.  He took a taxicab and went straight for the airport with haste.

   The airplane, with Mr. Olsen on it, has just taken off, and he could see the New York skyline in the distance when suddenly there was this tremendous shockwave that emanated from Central Park region of the city.  It spread like a relentless army of infuriated Vikings that leveled all in their path, effectively destroying the entire metropolis, all five boroughs and parts of New Jersey, Long Island and Connecticut as well.  And while the other passengers were shocked beyond belief, Eric just smiled and went to sleep peacefully, ascending toward a brand new dream.  Ahead of him was a time of plenty: no more electric or gas bills.  He had abundant source of free energy for life and it was only his and of his progenies.

 

Back in South Dakota, within the garden that contained a few magnificent ash trees and inside the house that was made entirely of the superior ash tree, there was a living room where all the furniture was crafted of the superb quality ash tree.  It seated the Olsens as they were watching awful TV (which of course was not made of the ash).  The sons and daughters hoped to see the triumphant news conference of their father’s crowning achievement but instead they saw some dumb woman reinventing the wheel and fire, and was about to receive a Nobel Prize in physics for it, while their father was nowhere to be seen or heard.

“If I know Dad well, they have made a horrible blunder!  The biggest mistake of their lives…” said Mr. and Mrs. Olsen’s oldest son, Kevin.

“A tremendous mistake!” reiterated one of their daughters.

“And how about those dweebs at that Noble Prize Committee: I mean, every year they find the most despicable crackpots and give them so much money, fame and influence in the form of that ghastly prize!”

“Could you imagine: providing such supposedly renowned recognition and media coverage to something like that simpleton and her reinvention of fire.  It’s bizarre and ghastly beyond belief!”

“They’ll be sorry!” concluded one of the sons.

Then like a prophecy coming true, they watched the incredible catastrophe that has beseeched NYC and the vicinity.

   As CNN was carrying the event live, the second son pointed out, “Yup, it’s Father at work!  I bet he’s fine only a bit upset by the media treatment he got on East Coast.”

   Then Kevin said, “If they asked me, I could have told them not to mess with our Dad.”

   They all laughed and Kevin concluded, “I knew there would have been some good out of his work… But the complete and utter annihilation of New York City and the collateral eradication of almost entire media, as well, was beyond my wildest expectations!  It’s simply remarkable achievement without any precedent.  They should give him a Noble Peace Prize and another one for physics for that deed alone!”

   “Our Daddy has outdone himself, this time,” replied the middle daughter.

   Heather did not say anything, but poured them some cider and they all proudly raised their glasses in honor of the unconquering spirit, that spark of ultimate greatness that underlines true genius and of course to praise the undisputed head of their family, who no doubt descended from a long line of Odin’s, Thor’s and Perun’s ardent admirers and worshipers.

 

* * *

 

[The author wishes to acknowledge that this story was inspired, in part, by the real life adventures of two actual females, a brunette and a blond from Belgrade: Sonya and Daniela (some of whose ancestors could easily have been Vikings); and by all females (especially British women, whose ancestors were Vikings) that secretly or subconsciously morn the termination and abrupt disappearance of Vikings and in particular their ruthless raids and/or conquests.]